Therapy is a magical place where freedom of expression is encouraged, all parts of you are validated, and healing on all levels comes to fruition. It’s also an incredibly pragmatic space where you can seek help in figuring out what to do about a situation or relationship (or situation’ship as well).
Hundreds of times I’ve had clients straight up say, “Can you just tell me what to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.” I feel their desperation and utter confusion as to how to solve the problem that they’re facing. They’ve usually tried a lot of different things but aren’t seeing the resolution that they want, which makes them even more perplexed and frustrated. When we spiritually throw up our hands to the ethers, it can feel like a relief to have someone else swoop in and lay out a new game plan, and as a therapist, it makes complete sense to want me to be the one to come up with said game plan.
But in full transparency, I have absolutely no idea what would be the ‘right’ next steps to take. You’re the expert on your inner world and the relationships you have in your life, so there’s no way that someone else could know what’s right, other than you and your intuition. And herein lies the rub… when we’re confused, it’s much harder to be connected to your intuition. It’s like the needle of your inner compass just keeps spinning wildly and you can’t land on any particular direction to travel in next.
When this happens, I explain to my clients that in literally any given situation that arises in our lives, we have only three different options to explore that will get us to a new resolution.
We can change the situation, accept it, or leave it.
We always start by exploring what is occurring in the situation that we don’t like, how we need others to potentially change in the situation, and most importantly, how we may need to change in order for the situation to shift. This is also the chance to think creatively about solutions and include others in that discussion, preferably including the other person in the conflict so that a partnership in problem solving can be forged. I often remind clients that we have a sub-choice here; do you want to be right, or do you want to be effective? While being right can be a boost to our ego, it ends up feeling pretty damn lonely most of the time. When ego steps aside, we become more focused on preserving the relationship (platonic, romantic, collegial, etc.).
Most of the time, the decision tree stops here because just a 5% change is enough to morph the situation and energy starts to flow creatively again. But sometimes, it doesn’t quite go this way. Sometimes, no matter all the things we’ve done and tried, the problematic situation persists. Then you must decide whether or not to leave the situation/relationship or to accept it.
Truth be told, there are some situations and relationships where leaving isn’t fully possible. Perhaps you have a complicated and at times upsetting relationship with a family member but cutting them out of your life completely isn’t the right choice for you. Or maybe you’re at a company that you can’t afford to leave because of survival needs.
In these complicated scenarios, the focus turns to finding some level of peace by accepting aspects of the situation. This is the hardest work by far, because it requires recognizing what is unacceptable, toxic, and potentially abusive behavior that really can’t and shouldn’t be tolerated from the behavior that is upsetting and triggering, but that inner work can help to soften and transform. This is where working with a trusted professional (therapist, life coach, shaman, healer, clergy person, etc.) is the most helpful. This is the type of work that should never be done in isolation.
So if you find yourself at an impasse, not sure of what to do next and not sure of what is even possible, reach within to reconnect with your personal power and reach out to someone that can accompany you along the journey.
